1 00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:07,048 Agent Sterling Archer, code name Duchess. 2 00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:08,591 License to kill. 3 00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:11,678 Covert operations... 4 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:15,098 ...unarmed combat, firearms, explosives... 5 00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:18,434 ...asset acquisition, enemy agent disposal. 6 00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,687 Missing. 7 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,563 For three months. 8 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:26,693 Sterling's been missing for three months and you idiots have nothing. 9 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,903 Well name-calling's not gonna get us... 10 00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,617 Anywhere. Which is where Archer could be. 11 00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:37,912 Malory, we've checked every safe house, run down every lead. 12 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:42,125 And he hasn't touched any of his bank accounts, so unless he... Oh. 13 00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:44,836 Were you gonna say, "Unless he's been skimming cash... 14 00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:47,296 ...from his operations accounts all these years"? 15 00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,383 Yeah, duh, right? He wouldn't dare steal from me. 16 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,135 Oh, please, we all... 17 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,346 Think he would dare to do that. 18 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:58,099 So we've got a highly-ish skilled covert agent... 19 00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,852 ...who probably has millions of dollars in cash. 20 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,437 Who doesn't want to be found. 21 00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,440 Being looked for by people who don't want to find him. 22 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,733 Whatever. Meaning whom? 23 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:10,319 Oh, don't give me that. You're all secretly delighted that he's gone. 24 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:14,157 Well, I wouldn't say delighted, but... I cannot say I miss the bullying. 25 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:17,660 Me neither. Plus ISIS actually turned a profit this quarter. 26 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,370 Be that as it... 27 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,830 No, never mind. 28 00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:24,000 Because since you've all been half-assedly phoning it in... 29 00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:28,337 Malory, he can't be found. I mean, if he's even still, um... 30 00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:32,175 Still what? Alive. 31 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:36,012 Jeez. Ow. Talk about "duh." I bet he already totally killed himself. 32 00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,973 No, he didn't. What's wrong with you? 33 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,726 Nothing. Because my skeevy Russian fiancée... 34 00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:45,354 ...wasn't murdered in front of my very eyeballs at my stupid wedding. 35 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,398 No! 36 00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:48,691 Katya! 37 00:01:49,193 --> 00:01:50,860 - No! - Whoo! 38 00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:54,322 How's that feel, Archer, huh? Now both our weddings are canceled. 39 00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,824 Barry! 40 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:59,535 Ha, ha, ha. Is that how you crash a wedding? 41 00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:02,997 Yes, it is, Bionic Barry. Yes, it is. 42 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:07,794 No. No matter how distraught Sterling is over Katya, he won't kill himself. 43 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,212 He'd never do that to me. 44 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,173 He's alive somewhere, and since you fools can't find him... 45 00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,467 ...I called in someone who can. 46 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,553 Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter. 47 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,640 Manhunter? Now, if that's not the pot calling the kettle black. 48 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:25,728 Oh, Rip, you old so-and-so. How are you, Mal? Besides gorgeous? 49 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,398 Oh, I'm not, I'm a mess. I'm worried half to death about Sterling, and... 50 00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,234 Don't be. I tracked him down. What? 51 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:32,401 See? How? 52 00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,154 Yeah, this new thing called intelligence gathering. 53 00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:39,033 Anywho, he's on a little island called Wapuni in French Polynesia. 54 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,701 With his millions in cash. 55 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,870 Tending bar. Or not. 56 00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,581 I'll pick him up tonight. Three days back to New York... 57 00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:50,086 ...so if you're not busy Friday night... I'll book us our old booth at 21. 58 00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:51,921 Outstanding. Riley out. 59 00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:55,258 What a hunk. Total sploosh. 60 00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:58,344 Actually, yeah, gotta give him the sploosh. 61 00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:04,183 And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is, which I guess is just sploosh. 62 00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,185 Only with semen. 63 00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:47,476 Oh, my God, I can't believe I just did that. 64 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,563 - You know, I'm not like that... - No, hey, come on, don't do that. 65 00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:54,150 Don't ruin your postcoital bliss with a bunch of misplaced guilt. 66 00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:57,111 How is it misplaced? I'm on my honeymoon. 67 00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,989 At least you got a honeymoon. My fiancée was murdered. 68 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,616 Wait, what? Yeah. 69 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,409 Oh, and you married an idiot. 70 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:06,370 Who plays 36 holes of golf on the first day of his honeymoon? 71 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,332 Not to, whatever, but that can't bode well for your marriage. 72 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,751 Get the hell out, you piece of shit! 73 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:15,004 Seriously, I hope she didn't sign a prenup, because... Oh, my God. 74 00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:18,758 Ahem. Hey, so, what happened was somebody ordered room service... 75 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:23,346 ...but the regular room-service guy, he died, so I came in here and then I fell on the bed. 76 00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,431 Wait, you're not her husband. 77 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,184 And you're not one of my dick bosses, so can I help you? 78 00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:32,188 Yes, you can quickly and quietly walk down to the dock and board my seaplane. 79 00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:36,317 Okay, A, rhetorical, and, B, your what? Seaplane. 80 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:40,488 Looks like an airplane had a baby with a boat. Yeah, I know what a seaplane is. 81 00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:43,783 Yet you're surprisingly unclear on the phrase "quickly and quietly." 82 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,160 And even more unclear on who you are. 83 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:49,372 Name's Rip Riley. Your mother hired me to bring you back, Sterling. 84 00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,499 She what? I mean, who? 85 00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:55,711 I'm Randy, see? So you can just go back to that other guy's mother... 86 00:04:55,879 --> 00:05:01,133 ...and tell her that even if you did find that other guy, he's never coming back to ISIS. 87 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:05,346 Wait, did you say ISIS or...? How did ISIS suddenly get in the mix, is what I'm asking. 88 00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:08,015 I'm asking you for the last time to get on that plane. 89 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:10,726 You wanna try and make me, Rip? No, I don't. 90 00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,687 And I promise... 91 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,692 You don't want that either. 92 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,986 Hey, so listen. 93 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,904 I think we got off on the wrong foot. 94 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:25,783 But I'm willing to, you know, let bygones be gone by the wayside. 95 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,327 Good to know. But I'm not there yet. 96 00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:32,081 Well, give it some time. Speaking of, how long is this stupid flight? 97 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,583 About 40 hours in the air. Hooray. 98 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,460 But I have to island-hop to refuel. 99 00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:40,464 Old Lucy Goosey here only has a range of about a thousand nautical miles. 100 00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,758 Yeah, making it wildly impractical. Got it. 101 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,427 This plane is totally practical. 102 00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:47,638 For the ridiculous image you're trying to cultivate for yourself. 103 00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:50,349 What image? Sky captain of yesteryear! 104 00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,269 At least I'm not sky captain of "I ran away from home." 105 00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:55,521 I didn't run away from home. I'm a grown man. 106 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,399 Whose fiancée was murdered in front of his very eyes. 107 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,943 So excuse me for needing some time to grieve. 108 00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,070 By tending bar and banging newlyweds? 109 00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,948 Apparently that's my grieving process. 110 00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:09,618 And also I need to use the bathroom. A, it's called the head, and, B, no. 111 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,663 Pee in your pants. Yeah, wrong number. 112 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:15,750 And I've had nothing but liquor and mangoes for three months... 113 00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:19,378 ...so unless you wanna fly a thousand nautical miles sitting next to that... 114 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,297 Okay, I'm setting the autopilot. 115 00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,758 But this better not be a ruse. Heh, heh. A ruse? 116 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,469 Hello? Hi, it's the 1930s. 117 00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,929 Can we have our words, clothes and airplane back? 118 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,848 Let's go, kid. Call you back, 1930s. 119 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:34,101 And, hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler. He's a bad egg. 120 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,395 No, one pedal fills it with water... 121 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,647 I did that. ...the other pedal flushes it. 122 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,524 No, it doesn't. Ugh. 123 00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:43,694 You come try. I gotta choke down this gag reflex. 124 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:47,156 Yeah, quit being a dick for five seconds and unlock the door. 125 00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,491 It doesn't have a lock. 126 00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:51,911 Damn it, I'm gonna puke and there's no room in the toilet or the sink. 127 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,330 What the hell did you put in the sink? 128 00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:57,166 A ruse, you big dumb idiot. 129 00:06:57,334 --> 00:07:00,252 And also a bunch of shaving cream and toilet paper. Ha, ha, ha. 130 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,629 Just because. 131 00:07:01,797 --> 00:07:04,673 Where does Malory get off implying that we didn't do our best? 132 00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,425 No, she straight-up said it. 133 00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,011 What she implied was that we're jealous of Archer... 134 00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:11,347 ...and that you're still attracted to him. 135 00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:13,682 - I... That's... What? - Oh, please. 136 00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:17,186 You're so hot for him, I could reheat this chili in your cooch. 137 00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:20,856 Don't you have some humans to resource? Actually, no. 138 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:24,693 Most of my job is dealing with sexual harassment complaints against Mr. Archer. 139 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:28,781 So are we gonna make some cooch chili or what? 140 00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:34,537 What the...? What the holy...? What in holy hell are you doing? 141 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:37,665 It was gonna be an old-fashioned but I couldn't find bitters. 142 00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,375 How long was I out? Hard to say. 143 00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:42,211 After I shaved and stuff, I took a pretty long nap, so... 144 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:46,549 Uncuff me, you idiot. Holy God, if we overshot our chance to refuel... 145 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:50,553 I thought you put it on autopilot. It just maintains course and altitude. 146 00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:55,015 It doesn't know how to find the only airstrip within a thousand miles... 147 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,309 ...so it can land itself when it needs gas! 148 00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,104 Then I, uh, misunderstood the concept. 149 00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:01,897 Uncuff me! Okay. God. 150 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,400 Wait, first promise you won't take me back to ISIS. 151 00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:07,736 ISIS? You'll be lucky if I can get us back to land. 152 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,072 Now uncuff me! Okay. God. 153 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,366 Wait a minute. Is this a ruse? 154 00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:18,080 Because if it is, pretty elaborate. 155 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,794 Damn it. There goes number two. 156 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,755 But it can land on water, right? Isn't that the whole point? 157 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:31,093 It's kind of a different story when we're dropping like a ton of bricks. 158 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:34,346 Damn, I can barely hold her level. Want me to help steer or...? 159 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:38,767 Haven't you done enough already? How is this suddenly my fault? 160 00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:40,686 Okay, this is it. 161 00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,355 Come on, Lucy Goosey, you can do it. 162 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,107 Looking good, girl. 163 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:48,444 I think we're gonna be okay. Wait, you didn't put the wheels down. 164 00:08:48,612 --> 00:08:49,862 The what? What are you...? 165 00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,989 No! 166 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:40,996 Damn it! 167 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,248 Ah! 168 00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,633 Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! 169 00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,802 Two personal records! 170 00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:59,390 For breath-holding and number of sharks shot in the fricking face. 171 00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:01,684 Did you see that? 172 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,519 Dude, are you even alive? 173 00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,688 No, that side's too low. 174 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:08,983 Well, I can't tell from here. Well, I can, and it's too low. 175 00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,901 I think you mean "premature." 176 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:13,362 What did you say? Nothing. 177 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:17,783 Archer doesn't want to come back, so I don't know how Riley's gonna get him on a plane. 178 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,868 Which I bet will crash. Yeah. 179 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,788 Now, you listen. Sterling is coming home safe and sound... 180 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,708 ...and when he does, it'll be no thanks to you people... 181 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:29,169 ...so you can forget about getting Carvel. Oh. 182 00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:30,713 Cookie Puss. 183 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:36,176 What the...? What in the holy hell are you doing now? 184 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,220 Ugh. Wondering why this is called a D ration. 185 00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:41,724 Ought to call it a Y ration, as in, "Hey, this tastes like cat shit." 186 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,935 They're not candy bars, jackass, they're survival rations. 187 00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:48,564 They might have to last us a while. Um... 188 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,733 Oh, you son of a... Okay, that's it. 189 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,028 As of right now, I'm... What the...? Looking for this? 190 00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:56,989 Give me that. No. You're agitated. 191 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,575 I'm agitated because you crashed my plane... 192 00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:03,203 ...in the God knows if it's even the middle of the Pacific Ocean. 193 00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:06,373 Which you're floating on, and not getting shit out of a shark in. 194 00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:08,751 Wait, what? I saved you from a shark, Rip. 195 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:11,920 Let's see, after I pulled you out of that shit heap of a plane... 196 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:15,424 ...but before I gave you CPR and bandaged your head. 197 00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:18,594 Oh. Well, thanks. You're welcome. 198 00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:21,055 Sorry I ate so much food. That was a dick move. 199 00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,432 If it makes you feel better, I puked most of it up. 200 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,142 It doesn't. Raft's pretty bobby. 201 00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:29,271 We've got a few gallons of freshwater, a desalinator for when that runs out. 202 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,399 Let's see, flare gun and some flares, fishing gear. Oh! 203 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:33,859 And this guy. What is that? 204 00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,945 Emergency beacon. Beams a signal directly to the ISIS satellite. 205 00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:41,450 Oh, well, that's just great. Now I get to deal with this... 206 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:47,164 ...as my hot meatball sub congeals into a big, fat, disappointing blob of shit. 207 00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:49,416 Nobody's gonna touch that? 208 00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:53,087 Yeah. So I figure three days for ISIS to get a rescue team out here. 209 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,757 Nice. So we just kick back, catch a few rays, catch some sushi. 210 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,051 Not gonna be a picnic... Can I check that out? 211 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,637 Don't mess with those knobs. I got the frequency set. 212 00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:04,431 Hey thanks, Guglielmo Marconi... 213 00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,767 ...who I think invented the radio. 214 00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,227 Over. 215 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,479 But if the emergency beacon is going off... 216 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,982 - Oh, my God, their plane crashed. - Ah! 217 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,652 I said that would happen and it did. 218 00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:19,071 Oh, my God. What if I have psychokinetic powers? 219 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,491 I don't know. Just try to only use them for good. 220 00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:23,992 - No. - Well? 221 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,079 Don't just sit there sweating like a gigantic cheese. 222 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,498 Do something. Ow! And I am. 223 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,876 Our satellite's locked on the beacon, which is, jeez, the middle of nowhere. 224 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:36,004 Lana, Ray, get there this instant. Uh... 225 00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:39,758 Sort of following up on his thing about the middle of nowhere. How? 226 00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,636 The black titanium corporate card? 227 00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,346 I thought it was just a myth. 228 00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,599 Like a big, beautiful, no-limit unicorn. 229 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,351 Charter a private jet to Honolulu. 230 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:53,063 Then I don't care if you have to buy a plane, get out there and find him. 231 00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:55,274 Wait. No, that's not in the budget. 232 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:59,403 Say "budget" to me again, Cyril. Save your receipts, please. 233 00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:01,947 And call me the very instant you have an update. 234 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:06,785 And you. You lose my son, you'll have to drink your meatball subs through a straw. 235 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,036 Again, ow! 236 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,747 And again, the satellite is locked on the beacon... 237 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,667 ...so unless he, I don't know, throws it away... 238 00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,502 Why the hell would he do that? 239 00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:19,214 I told you. I'm not going back there. Well, you say that. 240 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,759 Riley, I will shoot you. Then I'll shoot you. With a flare. 241 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,554 Then I'll use a D ration bar and two survival crackers... 242 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:30,017 ...to make s'mores over the crackling fire that used to be your chest cavity. 243 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,187 Goddamn, dude. Sorry, but you're acting really crazy. 244 00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,230 Well, being a spy makes you crazy. 245 00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:38,484 I mean, what kind of job is that, where your fiancée gets murdered? 246 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,320 Hello, stress. And don't even get me started on my mother. 247 00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,572 I mean, she... She can be a steel-clad bitch. 248 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,741 I know. Why do you think I left ISIS? 249 00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:49,161 You were an ISIS agent? Briefly, way back. 250 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,581 Didn't work out, because your mother... Was impossible to please. 251 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,082 God, if you only knew. What? 252 00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,210 How much your mom loves you. 253 00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:59,421 You would at least have the heart to go tell her you're quitting in person. 254 00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:03,175 Sheesh. Rather get shot with a flare. Man up. Talk to your mother. 255 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,428 Then you can be a bartender and destroy a new marriage every week. 256 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:10,891 Come on, that marriage was doomed. And so are we, if we don't work together here. 257 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,477 So truce? Uh... 258 00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,187 Yeah. And, hey, we're not doomed. Look. 259 00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:21,068 Over here! Hey! No, no, no, quit waving. Get down. 260 00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:24,279 Don't you wanna get rescued? Yeah, but those could be pirates. 261 00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:28,700 Okay, well, then they'll just have to do till we find some cowboys and Indians. 262 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,370 What? What "what"? What are you talking about? 263 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:34,540 I'm sorry. 264 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,292 I didn't know pirates were... 265 00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,545 ...still a real thing. 266 00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,760 This is not at all what I pictured. You hear "pirate ship"... 267 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,972 ...you think sails, cannonballs. Not one of these guys has a beard. 268 00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,266 Are you done? Hang on. 269 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:53,767 Planks. Now I'm done. 270 00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:56,937 The fact that we're still alive tells me they're gonna try to... 271 00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,647 Don't say "rape." 272 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,274 Ransom us. Awesome. 273 00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:03,485 Compared to rape, which seems like a thing pirates would do. 274 00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,946 Those numskulls who picked us up were so drunk... 275 00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:08,365 That did seem piratey. They forgot to search me. 276 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,993 Unless you've got Navy SEALs stuffed in your pants... 277 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,995 No. I've got the signal beacon. So? 278 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,664 We stall the pirates until the ISIS rescue team shows up... 279 00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:19,001 ...boards the ship, takes them all out. Bing, bang, boom. 280 00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:24,840 Which is funny why? Gee, where do I start? 281 00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:28,135 I will start with the caviar and the '38 Montrachet... 282 00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:31,597 ...then do the Kobe tartare with this '42 Lapin... 283 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,558 ...and this chocolate terrine looks insane. 284 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,144 And then just send me to fat camp and pray to God... 285 00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:39,938 ...I don't eat all those fat, delicious childrens. 286 00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,982 Because I will gobble them up. 287 00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:46,069 Wow, ISIS has really gone downhill. But there must be some good agents. 288 00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:49,031 It kills me to say it, but maybe Lana. 289 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:52,200 I doubt that's what Malory had in mind when she gave us the card. 290 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,202 - You know, we are on a rescue mission. - Ugh. 291 00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,371 Rescue me from myself. 292 00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:57,873 Such a fatty. 293 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,626 I wouldn't put all my rescue eggs in that basket. 294 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,377 Well, you got a better plan? 295 00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:06,423 I don't. I'm not really a planner. My process is a little more organic. 296 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,804 So let's just play it by ear, see where the afternoon takes us. 297 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,557 See? This is why I like to keep it loose. 298 00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,726 I mean, the wine's crap, but... Oh, sorry. 299 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,896 No offense, captain. No, I am who is sorry. 300 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:23,023 This from million-dollar yacht. 301 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,901 Now I don't feel bad for killing them. 302 00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:29,529 Serves them right, those jerks. But you know wine. You rich man. 303 00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:31,990 Me? No, I'm... Rich man. 304 00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,909 My men take this off you. 305 00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:36,244 The Omicron Spacemaster. 306 00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:38,955 Oh, it's actually the Spy... Spacemaster, yeah. 307 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,707 Good old Spacemaster. 308 00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:43,251 "To Sterling. Love, Mother." 309 00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:45,253 Your mother rich lady. 310 00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:49,383 Yeah, crazy rich. She invented the splashless urinal cake. 311 00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:50,592 The what? 312 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,053 Well, doesn't matter. She's rich and she loves me. 313 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:57,391 And I'm really rich and this is my manservant, Jerkins. 314 00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,267 Funny stuff. Not now, Jerkins. 315 00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:01,770 So I bet she'd pay whatever ransom you ask for. 316 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,314 Splashless urinal cakes have been pretty good to us. 317 00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:07,025 As you can imagine. Yeah, this good to hear. 318 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,112 But we can't do any of that "mail somebody a finger" shit... 319 00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:13,031 No, no, no, we take you back to my island. 320 00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:16,618 Call your mother, get big, big money! Awesome. 321 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,120 Compared to finger-mailing. 322 00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,123 So tell me about this island of yours. 323 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,125 It's a tiny little rock called Pangu. 324 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:27,003 Nothing else within a thousand miles, and the beacon has been heading straight for it... 325 00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,298 ...at about 20 knots. So a ship must have picked them up. 326 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,092 But I've never even heard of Pangu. 327 00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:37,472 Is there a naval base there or? Not exactly. It's more of a, uh... 328 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,682 Pirate fortress. 329 00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:42,310 No, yeah, I just wanted to make sure you said the phrase "pirate fortress." 330 00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:46,773 Which apparently, yes, you did say the word "pirate," followed by the word... 331 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:50,527 "Fortress." That is the word. My English so crap. 332 00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:54,740 - I bet you just need more practice. - Jerkins, you're a douche bag. 333 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,033 Funny stuff. Jerkins, you douche bag. 334 00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:00,579 Well, keep at it. Oh, and, hey, did we cross the international date line? 335 00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:05,292 Because I can change the date for you on that Omicron Spacemaster. 336 00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,085 Yeah, okay, damn guy. 337 00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:11,173 Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't want to be walking around like a dickhead... 338 00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:14,718 ...with the wrong date on your Omicron Spymaster. 339 00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,678 What the hell, damn guy? 340 00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,972 It's the Omicron Spymaster. 341 00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:22,726 Which is why it's got knockout gas and a garrote and I think even a laser. 342 00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:26,605 And, Riley, do I have to kill everyone myself? Huh? Oh. 343 00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,191 Oh, shit. 344 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,778 Seriously, what the hell, Riley? I didn't know you were making a move. 345 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,946 Um, dickhead? Takes one to know one. 346 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:38,033 No, "dickhead" was the go word. How was I supposed to know? 347 00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:40,368 Sorry, I forgot to tell you the go word was... 348 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,703 Douche bag. What? 349 00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,121 I kill you. 350 00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,043 But even still, Riley, you gotta be quicker. 351 00:18:48,211 --> 00:18:51,046 I know you're pretty old... Now that I know the go word... 352 00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:53,799 No, idiot, it changes every time. What is it now? 353 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,135 Pirates! That's kind of confusing since we're on a... 354 00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:02,724 Ow! Come on, that was right in my fricking ear. Sorry, I know that hurts. 355 00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:05,143 Hey, come on. Happens to me kind of a lot. 356 00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:08,480 Ow! I actually have, like, mild tinnitus now. 357 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,817 I mean, it's gotten to where I had to start sleeping with a fan on. 358 00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,403 Oh, my God. Yeah, otherwise it's like: 359 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,907 No, you just killed, like, 10 pirates. 360 00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:23,245 Wow, if the 5-year-old me knew that, he would get a huge boner. 361 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,830 No idea why I said that. 362 00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:29,084 Once these idiots figure out they can turn those cannons on the wheelhouse, we're gonna be... 363 00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,921 Kind of confused. What are they doing? 364 00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:34,965 Looks like they're surrendering. Why? 365 00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:36,883 All they have to do... Who cares why? 366 00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,261 I do. What if this is a ruse? It's not a ruse. 367 00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:41,471 Say something before they change their minds. 368 00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,390 Do they speak English? 369 00:19:43,558 --> 00:19:44,683 Hello, pirates. 370 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,269 Who speaks English? Let me see some hands. 371 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,188 Wow. Way more than I thought. 372 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:53,275 Excuse me? Sorry, hi, I'm Noah. 373 00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:56,361 What are you, the first mate, or...? Oh, God. Oh, well, thanks. 374 00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,530 - No, I'm a bajak budak. - Okay. 375 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,868 It's sort of a... I guess the nearest translation is "slave-pirate"? 376 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,953 - Do you speak English? - I do. Yes. 377 00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,330 They don't, though. They're just surrendering the ship to you. 378 00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:09,791 And the fort. Why? 379 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,585 - You're the new captain. - The what? 380 00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:14,296 If you kill the old captain, you become the new captain. 381 00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,965 You don't think of pirates as having a lot of rules... 382 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,967 ...but they do and that's a big one. 383 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:21,428 Well, uh, tell them hands down. 384 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,056 Holy shit. Did you just see that? 385 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,975 No, I'm too busy looking at that. 386 00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:28,768 What is...? What am I seeing? 387 00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:32,272 Oh, the women always throw a huge feast when we return to port. 388 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,983 Should I tell them to cancel it, or? Huh? Uh... Uh... 389 00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:38,987 No. No, we're totally feasting. Say that. 390 00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:45,452 Nice plan. Once they're good and drunk, we'll turn this tub around and head home. 391 00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:47,871 Home? Riley, I am home. 392 00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:51,082 What? Over my dead body you're running away to be a pirate. 393 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,501 Of course I'm not gonna be a pirate. 394 00:20:56,631 --> 00:20:59,507 I'm gonna be a pirate king.